But man am I feeling down again today. So tired. Foggy head. Last night was Solo Night, which means we hire a sitter and my husband plays pickle ball and I go to a yoga class and also had dinner with a good friend of mine afterwards. The yoga class kicked my ass – mainly because I was still mildly hungover but also my heart just wasn’t in it. It was racing around like my brain and I just couldn’t stay connected to my breath. And I didn’t feel like I was connecting to my friend either, which was also a bummer. Good news – only one glass of wine with dinner and a single cocktail in front of the TV. And I FINALLY finished the final episode of The Following. (Seriously?! You are going to end it like that?!)
I went bed afterwards but found no sleep. Only the sadness creeping up from my belly and into my throat. I mean, that’s what I’m working towards, I think. Opening up. Blossoming. Cutting loose the binds from around my soul that keep me disassociated from my emotions…from the pain stuck there by all the crazy shit that has happened to me.
And now the dull sadness is stuck in my head. Why can’t I cry? Do I really need to? My yoga teacher/shaman performed an elimination ceremony on me two days ago. (The infamous Day 10 where I eliminated in the kitchen sink.) Maybe it’s working. Maybe things are working their way out. Maybe the binds on my soul are loosened and darkness is creeping its way out. But is there only darkness? Won’t there eventually be light? I have to believe that there will be.