OK! Yesterday my neck and left should were killing me – so stiff and sore that I could barely turn my head.  Obvisouly, I needed a massage. Even though our nanny had called in sick yesterday and I was about to be left home alone all day with the baby, it had to be done. So, I pitched a major fit until the hubby agreed to cancel his work day and stay home and we would tag team on the baby.  One hour later, I was getting a massage.

It was so awesome.  She worked on my neck and my shoulders and put on these hot packs on my back while she worked on my lower body.  Then she put on a cooling, pain relieving gel.  It was amazing.  But the sweetest part was when she massage my feet.  It felt so tender and I truly felt like she was taking care of me. That she was there to help heal me. (No pun intended 🙂 And I finally felt myself start to soften. To crack open a little and I started to cry.  After she left me to get dressed, I put my hands on my chest and visualized pulling myself open.  Prying off my outer husk and in the darkness of my closed eyes, I saw a sunburst, a flower of flames in orange, yellow and red burst open wide.  I knew it was my phoenix. I stood up and starting sobbing while I dressed myself.  I finally knew in my heart that I could not go on living this way.  I was being sucked dry.  I need support.  I need love and tenderness. From myself and from others.

Last night I held the first of what I hope to many gatherings of great women that I know.  It is my effort to create a community for myself.  It so awesome! Turns out one of the women is a yoga teacher and a therapist! Just what I want to be.  And she likes me and wants to help me reach my goals! We are going to get together again soon to talk about schools and junk.

The other women were amazing, too and we sat out in backyard under our ancient oak trees and talked and laughed and ate and drank.  Despite my best intentions, I had too much to drink.  I wasn’t wasted and I don’t think anyone realized it but I woke up feeling so ashamed. So sad.  So disappointed in myself.  FINALLY, the tears came pouring out.  I don’t want to be an alcoholic.  It sucks! I don’t want my wonderful husband to be married to one and I don’t want me kids to have one for a mother.  I am ashamed.

But at least the tears are coming.  And I don’t think I can drink anymore.  I don’t think I can even make it to Mexico.  I think I have to just be done.  I’m not running because my head hurts and I’m exhausted everyday.  I’m just so fucking sick of it!

I went back for another massage today.  Yes, I know, but I totally deserve it.  This time it was a special ayurvedic massage meant to balance my doshas.  I feel so great.  Calm and happy.  Finally, in a really good, soft and sweet place.

Praise Buddha.