I am so down today. More than down – numb. Numb and number. I want to scream cry but everything is still compressed beneath the surface. Drowned down in tequila shots. Last night I drank a combined total of four glasses of wine, two cosmos and four tequila shots. Three of the shots I did in secret while my husband was in the bathroom. Drowning. I was trying to drown the pain. The disappointment. The beach house may not happen and it has really got me down. The husband wants to delay buying it until Spring and I’m just afraid that it won’t ever happen. I saw my therapist this morning and we tried to dig into WHY delaying it has got me so bummed. I think it’s because I saw it as the first step towards are new life. And I’m not just afraid that we won’t buy the house but that I won’t be able to stop drinking, or finish yogi school or even start grad school.