Of a nervous break through. Or Diary of a Mad Woman. A woman run mad. By her own demons. If you could see my hair right now you’d totally agree. So, I am finally here in MEXICO and it is so beautiful. The wifi is spotty in my room so I’m going to chronicle here on my laptop and then post to the WWW later today. This, I think, will be my daily ritual.
Yesterday was a pretty awesome day. I should warn you, my heart is heavy this morning. Not sure why exactly. I think mainly I miss my family. As much as you need time way from them, it still hurts because they are so ingrained into your daily existence.
Anyway, I got drunk on Friday night. I had like two martinis, two cosmos and probably a tequila shot or two. Drunk packing is always a questionable idea. I mean, you stress about it less but you can’t remember everything you packed. So, it’s kind of a surprise everytime I go to my suitcase.
But I made it on the plane with only a mild hangover but my heart was beating too fast all day due to the dehydration. The flight was awesome – short and I read the whole time. I found a great new book called Tell the Wolves I’m Home and it is great story and beautifully written. Consequently, I had lots of poetry bubbles floating to the surface yesterday. We landed and it took about an hour to get through immigration and customs and then 1.5 hours in a van to get from Cancun to Tulum. I lucked out and got to ride in the van with my teacher so that was fun. ALSO – the driver the van asked us at one point what our plan for the week was and he followed it up by saying, “The best plan is no plan.” We decided this was our motto for the week.
We got to the resort and I have my same room as last year! Which is perfect, it is the best room, I think. It doesn’t have a thatched roof and so I don’t get bugs! But don’t tell anyone else because then I won’t get it again next year! I settled into my room and by settling I mean unzipped my suitcase and then I headed straight to the spa to sign up for a massage. Feeling adventurous, I signed up for something called Nuat Thaitsu, which I’d never heard of before but the description made it sound great. Then I headed straight to the restaurant for some ceviche and a watermelon margarita with my friend and we were joined by our teacher and another fun couple.
Next was a short swim in the ocean! The waves were pretty intense so it was short PLUS I had to be back for my massage by 4:00 pm. I know, what a life, right? And the massage was amazing. It turned out to be a combo of thai massage and shiatsu. I just lay there on a mat on the floor while she pulled and stretched my body into oblivion. I felt totally relaxed after that and headed straight into our first, mini yoga practice.
My teacher had us all introduce ourselves and talk about why we were here. It is kind of a touchy subject for me because last year I kinda felt like my teacher shamed me over saying that I came on the retreat because of her. She didn’t really shame me – I shamed myself but I was very upset for a few hours. This year I made sure that I said that I was here for the retreat for me. I didnt mention anything about the whole quitting drinking thing because that’s just not cool but I did mention it to folks at lunch.
The practice was amazing and I felt so strong and grounded. My teacher talked about how we had all been called here together for a reason. My heart skipped a beat when she said this. And the reason we think we are here now will shift into something else by the end of the week.
After practice was the first of many amazing meals and then I had one margarita, that was amazing, before headed to orientation. This super cute women from the resort talked about all our animals hosts here in Maya Tulum – the crabs, the iguana that lives in the yoga hall and the mexican racoons. Who even know those existed!? THEN she talked about all the excursions we could go on and one of them – that I went on last year and was thinking of doing again – she said I might see a manatee! My teacher and I looked at each other then – can you belive that shit? Obviously, I have to go for sure now!
Ok, gotta run to practice now. This is the real beginning. It is now time for me to bloom so big that I can float home effortlessly on my petals at the end of the week
BACK FROM PRACTICE. SLowly my sorrow bloomed into a joyful one and then slowly shifted in to joy. Thoughts I want to remember –
*sometimes great freedom can be crippling. because suddenly you are being told or asked to do something with every second and when you just have to decide for yourself you find that you are out of practice. i am here to relearn how to make my own decisions. decide what’s best for me and to shine.
*we are afraid that we must make sacrifices to live the life we want or are called to. but the greatest sacrifice is that of ourselves – of not being who we were born to be.
*there are two paths from my casita to the yoga hall but neither are straight forward. each requires that i first walk in the opposite direction of where i need to go and it always annoys me a bit BUT then, it dawned on me, that’s life isn’t it?
*i need a space of my own at home. coming back to my spot in front of the window in the yoga hall felt so sweet to me. like finally coming home to my place in the world.