And I’ve been sober! I did have one glass of wine with dinner on Saturday but that’s it. Pretty awesome, huh? But my demons have really been fucking with me starting yesterday morning. I was so tired and felt so fat and I weighed and I had gained all the work I had lost over the last two weeks and I really started torturing myself. Tears and gnashing of teeth. SELF-TERRORISM. I started taking my amino acids – as recommended by the Diet Cure – and am feeling better today. Why do I hate myself so much? Why am I so mean to me? I am SO freaking awesome. I’ve been hard on myself lately about getting stuck in the electric industry for 18 years but doesn’t that also prove how badass I am? I am NOT an engineer but I can hang tough with them. I have got to stop this insanity. I’ve been feeling so pulled between what diet to take, what to eat, what to drink, trying to RESTRICT everything that I but not for health reasons. I mean, I pretend that’s why I do it but it’s not true. I do it so that I can be skinny. Because I still believe that I have to be 20 lbs than I am right now to be good enough. Why can’t I be GREAT enough just as I am? I AM EXHAUSTED. Can I just stop? Will I get really fat? Can I love myself if I do?
