And I’ve been sober! I did have one glass of wine with dinner on Saturday but that’s it.  Pretty awesome, huh? But my demons have really been fucking with me starting yesterday morning.  I was so tired and felt so fat and I weighed and I had gained all the work I had lost over the last two weeks and I really started torturing myself.  Tears and gnashing of teeth.  SELF-TERRORISM.  I started taking my amino acids – as recommended by the Diet Cure – and am feeling better today.  Why do I hate myself so much? Why am I so mean to me? I am SO freaking awesome.  I’ve been hard on myself lately about getting stuck in the electric industry for 18 years but doesn’t that also prove how badass I am?  I am NOT an engineer but I can hang tough with them.  I have got to stop this insanity.  I’ve been feeling so pulled between what diet to take, what to eat, what to drink, trying to RESTRICT everything that I but not for health reasons.  I mean, I pretend that’s why I do it but it’s not true.  I do it so that I can be skinny.  Because I still believe that I have to be 20 lbs than I am right now to be good enough.  Why can’t I be GREAT enough just as I am? I AM EXHAUSTED.  Can I just stop? Will I get really fat? Can I love myself if I do?