Sometimes I will get an idea that I need a particular thing stuck in my head and it just won’t freaking go away. No matter what. No matter how hard I try to convince myself and maybe even succeed at convincing myself for five minutes. But – a few minutes later – the idea is back. OCD. Case in point: when I was pregnant with my first son, I became totally obsessed with finding the perfect, white dresser for his nursery. I drove myself crazy. Drove myself all over the state. OK – really just between Corpus, Austin and San Marcos. My husband at that time (husband #2) would try to talk me out of it. I would try to talk me out of it. But it had to be done. I could not rest until I, in fact, did find the perfect dresser at the Pottery Barn Outlet Store. It was marked down significantly because it had dent in one of the corners but I lovingly repaired it with paint and wood filler that was required to be labeled as toxic by the state of California.
Other examples of such occurrences include: a new a brown Coach purse, a labradoodle, life coach school – both CTI and The Academy and, most importantly, my current and final husband. I always knew he was the one. The first time I ever saw him was like brain chemical explosion. Believe it nor not, the electric industry is not the hot bed of men that I find attractive. I am most often one of about four women in room of 200 middle-aged, white guys. But the first time I saw Rob – he took my breath away. I spent years putting him out of my mind because I was still trying to make things work with husband #2. Because I thought it was the right thing to do. But there was always this nagging in my mind…Eventually, I left husband #2 because the voice inside my head telling me that Rob was my soulmate eventually got so loud that it was impossible to ignore. We’ve been married for a little over three years now and – as I knew in my heart of hearts – he is the ONE.
What’s the point of all this? Well, shortly after purchasing a new, brown Coach purse and while obsessing over a new Samsung Galaxy 4 – I began to wonder about these OCD moments. Were these obsessions really coming from my inner truth? And would my life – and those who love me – be made easier if I could learn to STOP fighting myself for weeks before giving in and just GIVE IN? Just Surrender? I guess in the case of my husband (both of them) I just needed more time to process. To get comfortable. Sometimes, however, I find that I am looking for permission. For somebody whom I deem more credible that my own voice to tell me that it’s OK.
But why do I need that? I feel the need to come up with all these fantastic reasons in order to justify buying something for myself. Why can’t I just let myself buy something because I WANT it? Why am I so hard on myself? I had a Vedic astrology reading this week and that was one of the themes. I am way too critical of myself e.g. I am entirely convinced right now that this post totally sucks. And it probably does because I am rambling. But still – the point is whether or not all this obsession is about trusting MY truth? My desire? Do they have to be motivated by some great cosmic motive or can I just want a new, dumb phone?
About the phone…My obsession for the new Samsung Galaxy 4 has migrated to an obsession over the new Samsung Galaxy Note 3. (It was over the Note II until I went to the at&t store tonight and learned there was a newer version). Why do I want one? How did this obsession begin? Well, superficially it started with my realization that I need a personal phone (i.e. one besides the one that my day job pays for) for my entrepreneurial efforts. It just feels like the right thing to do. I like to keep things cleans whenever possible (my husband will laugh his ass off over this statement but I am speaking of ethics here – not the bedroom floor). And I could list 50 other great, rational sounding reasons why I need one. BUT – I also just want one because I want one. Is that wrong? I want one because they’re cool and the longer I go without one the more unbearable my iPhone becomes. (It’s so damn small and junk!) And maybe I just want one because I am a Pisces Sun double Virgo and I crave change in my life. And the same Vedic astrologer that I was too critical of myself also told me not to be a Pisces dreamer and to not quit my day job anytime soon. And so, instead, I want a new fucking Samsung Galaxy Note 3. To fill a hole in my heart that started crying when he told me that and kinda hasn’t stopped since. But as I have run myself in to the proverbial wall over and over again today until I have completely exhausted myself – now I just wonder. Will it help?