The last time I sat down to write a blog post was on March 12th. Today is September 14th. Even as I begin to type this my heart is fluttering like a butterfly on crack. There were times over the last few months that I thought I’d never write again. Why?Let’s see…maybe because everything I believed to be true about the world seemed to be shattered six months ago. Maybe because I felt like I was drowning in a sea of disillusionment. Maybe because I felt like the chord that tied me to the woman that I believed I was had been severed. For good.So, what happened six months ago? Well, a good storyteller never gets ahead of herself so we really need to scoot backwards in time to last year. All of last year. As many of you know, I quit my corporate job last year to start my own business as a coach. I had lofty dreams and hopes as high as Everest. And I had a great year. I finished writing my book (still to be published) and, since I had paid (handsomely) to be taught a guaranteed, no-fail system for generating $10k per month in income, I traveled to Paris and Mexico and Australia and I met some of the most amazing women I’ll ever know. I paid $5000 to fly a professional photographer to Austin for my photo shoot. I believed with all my heart that any second the money would start rolling in. But it didn’t.Yes, I connected with a few amazing clients and I have no doubt that I changed their lives. But in my heart I felt like a failure. My husband had to shoulder more and more of the financial burden of our family. We sold more and more stocks and withdrew money from his sacred 401K. Since I had been taught by my coach (who was a millionaire) that I could manifest anything I wanted if I just wanted it bad enough, I knew in my heart that this was all my own fault.The shame broke over me like a waterfall.I finally choked down my pride like a bad oyster and committed to finding a corporate job. I applied and interviewed for jobs that by all rights I should I have gotten. But I didn’t. One was even at that company that I just quit a few months ago. I gave up and started working at my local yoga studio making $9/hour. My last year in corporate, I made close to $170k.During this time I had started working with a new mentor. One who helped me see that, while you can manifest your dreams, you also have to leave room for the mystery. She helped me create a new set of “goals” that reflected my heart’s desire but that left room for God’s will. One of them was “I sustain and nourish my family through work that I love or that is easy for me.” I prayed, meditated and chanted furiously for weeks on end not really daring to believe that I could actually have what I wanted.Finally, on March 5th, a former colleague from another company contacted me about a job. This was the ideal job for me! I could work from home and it had flexible hours and it was in the field I had spent the last 18 years in so there was an immediate comfort level. While it may not have been “work that I loved,” it was definitely work that was – for the most part – “easy for me.”Two days later, I got the job offer, which I eagerly accepted because it would pay a six-figure salary but still allow me to grow my coaching business on the side. My new boss had read my entire blog, knew my story and flat out told me that she was okay with my coaching clients during down time.Are you kidding me? This was too good to be true! My heart rejoiced like a toddler’s when his mom returns home at the end of the day. I felt like I had really accomplished something. I felt like I had finished a marathon through the desert. Because during the whole time that we were running out of money, I had to face down my deeply rooted fears over not having enough, which meant that I was really grappling with the value of my own worthiness. I felt like God was rewarding me for my faith and perseverance. “Here,” God said. “Take this job. You’ve certainly earned it.”For three days, I don’t know if I have ever been happier. The smothering ceiling that comes from having limited means was finally lifted. I could breathe again. I signed up for a course on how to craft my message so that I could finally land those ideal clients. I was ready to rededicate my life to growing my coaching business.As it turns out, God still had other plans.This new mentor, you see, had also been piercing the veil of illusion that surrounded my marriage. The veil that I knew (at some level) existed and had been carefully avoiding by first alcohol and then by trying to build a coaching business and then, finally, with money struggles.Seventy-two hours after I signed my offer letter, the thin veil that had separated me from reality was blown to smithereens. The truth that I had been denying about my husband and my marriage was on the stage – front and center. My acceptance and heartbreak were the opening act.To say that my life fell apart would be an understatement. It imploded with such velocity and ferocity that I knew that nothing could ever be the same again.I stopped working on my business. I managed to squeak out one more newsletter and that was it. I stopped meditating. I stopped chanting. I stopped working with clients. I stopped everything but the bare essentials: taking care of myself, my kids and keeping my job, which I needed now more than ever.So, I would be remiss if I didn’t take a moment here to THANK GOD for giving me that job because, had I not had that source of income and been completely dependent on my husband, this nightmarish tale would have been even worse. And, trust me, it was awful enough.For the last six months, I have been all but forced to live in alignment with the “goals” that I created for myself this year:•I focus on the most important thing in every moment.•I choose to be still. I choose to feel. I choose to heal.•I love my children and myself with my whole heart.•I trust my own voice above all others.There are a couple of these “goals” that relate to my coaching business, which I am just now able to start thinking about again. Of course, these last few months have pulled back many layers and more deeply revealed the work I am here to do in this world. I am here to support women on their path towards wholeness. I am here to support lost girls. I am here to support women who have lost themselves (and their integrity) in their relationships. I am here to teach women the importance of listening to their own hearts…again.That’s all I have for now. Stay tuned for more truth to be revealed. And as one of my favorite yoga teachers loves to say, “I love the truth.” After all, it really is the only thing worthy of setting you free.
