As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I have begun working with a Spiritual Path Healer. What the heck is that, you ask? Well, in this case, she is a woman who is able to connect with angels, spirit guides and loved ones who have passed over. Yeah, I know what you are thinking. CUCKOO.Believe me, I am right there with you about half of the time. And, yet, I want to believe so the other half of the time, I really do. Plus, I was actually referred to this healer by my primary care physician who is a Board Certified M.D. She also happens to be a functional doctor, which is why she is so awesome. This is the very same functional doctor who literally saved my life a few years ago by calling bullshit on my drinking.I tend to take her guidance to heart. So, I made an appointment to see this healer for me and my husband. This is why my doctor suggested that I see this healer in the first place. Because she wanted to see what the healer had to say about how safe it was for me to remain in my marriage. She did have some very interesting things (that totally rang true) about that, but my marriage is not really what I want to talk about today.Today, I want to start a conversation about what it means to be “boy crazy.” But I bring in my spiritual healer because she has informed me that, in order to really heal myself, I will need to heal my inner child. She sent me home with instructions to gather several pictures of myself throughout my childhood and then sit down and take turns with my inner child on writing about our memories.I know. I know. But she’s right! I know she’s right. I know that the issues that I struggle with today stem from my childhood. I have, of course, begun this work and, I have to say, that the first time I tried it…it blew my mind.First, however, I had to go out to our storage and dig through my giant plastic bins in the Texas heat to find photos of me from my childhood. The funny thing is that most of the photos I was able to find were all of me with dudes on dates. You know, prom, winter formal, etc… At first, I started to leave all these but then…a little voice in my head (a spirit guide, maybe?) suggested that was exactly what I was supposed to find.I went back inside to the cool of my home office and began to write. First, I wrote about the first memory that came to mind from my childhood that I have discussed with my therapist on many occasions. Then I asked my inner child to write about one of the memories. I’m not even kidding you that my handwriting began to change. I started to write much faster and bigger and about memories that I hadn’t thought about in years.I recalled a time when I betrayed the trust of a dear friend by getting drunk and making out with the guy that she liked. This was on New Year’s Eve in 1989. I was 18 years old. I have felt guilty about this incident ever since. I never made amends with my friend and have only seen her once since then and that was decades go.Why would I do that to such a dear friend? Why was I so desperate for attention that I would betray my friend and my own integrity? Then I began to think again about how all the photos I had found were of me with boys. Boy crazy. I was boy crazy. But not in a good way. In a way that betrays a deep-seated belief that I am not enough on my own and that I believe that I need a man on my arm to be worthy.As I wrote on behalf of my inner child that day, she told me that despite the fact that I had lived my entire life in fear of being abandoned that I had actually been the one to abandon her – ME – over and over again for the silly sake of getting attention. I had sacrificed my own needs (her needs) and wants and personal truth in order to get some guy to love me.The pain of this truth still vibrates through my soul because she is right. I have betrayed not only my inner child but also my own children because I have been operating under the crippling delusion that I am not enough on my own. Not always for the sake of a man either. I have also turned my back on my truth in order to please a friend or get a job. I have sacrificed my own needs in order to take care of someone else’s.I made a promise that day to my inner child to strive to put ourselves first. Am I always perfect? Of course not. That’s the work! The awesome part is my life coaching programs are all centered on supporting other women to do the same. By teaching you, I remind myself.Oh! I almost forgot the coolest part. That dear friend that I betrayed so long ago? The one that I hadn’t seen, or thought about or heard from in like 20 years? Two days after I did that inner child work, I saw in her in a coffee shop. Both of us were stunned beyond belief to see each other. We met for coffee a few days later and talked for three hours.The subject of our conversation? Boy crazy. Stay tuned for the Bad Side of Boy Crazy Part II.Until then, say yes to yourself and hell no to pretty much everything else.Xoxo, Jenni B
