This week I am focusing on Step 3 of the 6 Steps to Surviving His Sex Addiction. Yes, I know that prior to this week I had been calling it the 5 Steps, but – hey, it’s still a work in progress and I realized that I was forgetting a key component that just so happens to start with an “s.”I know you are all familiar with that quote, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Well, the same is true for partners of sex addicts. Except that really it takes more than a village. It takes a choir of angels.When I was going through the dark times, I had about a half a dozen or so of helping and healing professionals that I relied on regularly for support and sanity. I don’t know how I would have survived with each and every one of them. They were my choir of angels.I had two therapists, two coaches and two yoga teachers who were my primary support group. I saw each of them weekly or near weekly for private sessions and I also attended a weekly women’s group for partners of sex addicts facilitated by my coach.The reason that I had two therapists and two coaches was because I already had a regular therapist and life coach that I was seeing before I became a “woman in the desert.”By the way, you become a “woman in the desert” once you finally admit to yourself that your husband has a serious problem and needs serious help. And you have no idea what to do next.When I reached that point, I felt like I was stumbling around in the dark, scouring the internet for someone or something that could help me. I’m sorry to say that I suffered through several bad experiences and many sleepless nights and anxiety-ridden days before I found a coach who was trained according the trauma-informed model used by the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSAT).She was the first person to help me understand that as a partner of a sex addict, I had experienced a profound trauma and that had to be treated first and foremost. It was through her that I found my second therapist who also been trained in the APSAT model. Those two women, along with my primary therapist and coach, held my hand and led me step by step through the desert of sex addiction.Here’s the thing – I still need support today! Not nearly as much as I did during the dark days, but – as my girlfriends and I like to joke – trauma is the gift that keeps on giving. In fact, today is what I call a “trauma-versary,” which is the anniversary of a traumatic event that occurred while I was still married to a sex addict.Four years ago, today, I asked my ex-husband to move out of our house because he had finally admitted to me what I already intuitively knew to be true – that he was not actually in recovery and had been lying to me since coming home from rehab.Even though I am now four years out and am happier than I’ve been and married to the most supportive and amazing man ever, my body is still keeping score. I woke up yesterday feeling anxious, dysregulated and full of sadness and fear regarding my husband’s business trip this week.Thank heavens, I am far along enough in my healing journey to know that it was really the “trauma-versary” and not my husband’s business trip that was the cause of my unease. For the last two days, I have leaned into my current support system, which now consists of Emotional Transformation Therapy (ETT) with my APSAT- trained therapist and my Peloton subscription!I share this story with you today for a couple of reasons. First, I want you to know me and my story. I want you to believe that even though I am further along on the path than you, I have been exactly where you are right now, and I totally get it. I know that this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you and I am so sorry that you are having to go through it.Second, I can’t tell you that you need to invest in support for yourself if I don’ practice what I preach and still do the same. The amount of support I need these days has dramatically tapered off, but I still need it. There’s no way that I would be happily married to the man of my dreams today without it.Okay, that’s enough soap boxing for today. Comments or questions? Feel free to write me back – I always love you to hear from you!
