I’ve graduated from ketamine school! I actually did so several weeks ago now but am just now sitting down to write about my last three sessions and reflect on my experience as a whole.
As you may recall, the first two sessions were quite extraordinary. The second session was far easier and more enjoyable than the first, with my being a golden princess mushroom cloud and all.
The third session was a shit show and I felt anxious, fearful, and miserable for the entire session. I believe this happened because of a variety of reasons.
First, I had too much caffeine and not enough to eat that morning.
Second, the IV Tech for this session was a man, while the first two sessions had been a woman. Even though I felt some discomfort with this, I told myself that I should be able to do hard things and that was the whole point of ketamine anyway, Furthermore, he and I had a discussion about the work I do for a living, and therefore, we ended up talking about sexual abuse.
Third, I asked my therapist at the beginning of our session whether I should be more intentionally focusing on the traumatic events that happened with my ex, and this, along with the exchange with the male tech, left me agitated.
Fourth, that’s how ketamine works. Every session is different and they sometimes get worse before they get better.
I think my therapist was surprised that I did!
The interesting thing is that as I entered the office for my fourth session, I was irritated with having to go, but I was not anxious at all – for the first time!
During the fourth session, I spent the entire time swimming in a stream of amethyst and gold. In other words, the divine feminine. There were golden crowns, golden thrones, and long lines of royal queens.
My grandmother was there with me and she told me that she was watching over all of us. She told me that all my boys were safe and that they were going to be okay. She said if that changed at all, then she would let me know.
She even told me that my ex was okay.
For the fifth session, I knew it was going to be my last, and I spent the entire time bidding a fond farewell to wherever “it” is that you go during the session. I’m not sure if it’s my subconscious, the quantum field, or both. Wherever it is, I sensed that it was full of benevolent spirits whose job was to care for me. They told me I could come back anytime I wanted – that I was always welcome.
In this session, I intentionally brought in the divine masculine. I wanted to bring balance to the experience and to intentionally reconcile with all of the men in my life who had hurt me: my dad, my brother, my ex, his creepy therapist who gaslighted me… I also brought in my first two husbands and made amends to them.
At one point, I even sent love to my ex.
This did make me pause and question whether I meant this.
I realized that I did.
All humans deserve love and grace.
They just don’t all get to be a part of our lives.
There’s so much more that I could talk about…
Like the part where I flew over Manhattan, and Godzilla was there to save us all. Or the part where I ate a Chick-fil-A sandwich in Paris until I shouted (in my mind), “There’s not a Chick-fil-A in Paris!!” Or when I was assured that all my worries about money were unnecessary and unreal anyway.
All but the brightest details have already begun to blur and disappear from my memory.
I will offer the following as my biggest takeaways from ketamine:
- Real growth means giving yourself permission to NOT do hard things. I decided to undergo ketamine treatment because I had started writing a memoir. I was going to write about my history with childhood sexual and spiritual abuse as well as the discovery that my ex was a sex addict. By the end of my ketamine treatments, I realized that we can think that healing means becoming able to do a hard thing. What I came to see was that sometimes healing means choosing not to. We can do hard things. That doesn’t mean we have to. I am not going to write a memoir – not that one anyway.
- Always look on the bright side of life. We can choose to live in fear and worry that something is going to happen, which it might, but we lose the joy of the present moment by doing so. OR. We can choose to live as if everything is going to be okay, which it might not be, but we at least enjoy the present. I know – easier said than done but I’m working on this one.
- Jeff is good. I saw an image of a golden hawk – Jeff’s spirit animal – and I knew that it wanted to tell me that Jeff was good and that I could trust him. Yes, I still struggle with this. I have capital “T” trust issues. I’m still a work in progress. I also saw that my not trusting him completely was keeping me from fully receiving his love. Our distrust – regardless of how well-founded the reasons from the past that we have – can cost us our present and our future (see takeaway #1).
If you are reading this and have questions about my experience and whether I’d recommend it, feel free to reply to this email and ask away – I’m happy to share what I can!
~ Barbara De Angelis