A couple of months ago, I finally began writing that memoir I’ve been wanting to write for years, but just hadn’t felt like I was ready to be able to write it.
“I am doing this”, I decided. I downloaded Scrivener. I hired a coach. I created an outline.
Well, the very week that I started writing happened to coincide with one of my most SERIOUS trauma-versary weeks.
And as I wrote, I began to come out of my skin.
Turns out, I am still not ready. I mean, I could probably have forced my way through it, but that’s just not how I do things these days.
Because how could I, with a straight face, pretend to teach women how to honor their intuition and live in their bodies, if I’m not doing the same for myself?
And every time I wrote, I felt like I was diving down into a cavernous dark hole, and the effects of that clung to my skin like castor oil for hours afterward.
Up to that point, I believed with all sincerity that I had done enough therapy, EMDR, ETT, coaching, yoga, and other healings to consider myself “healed” enough to take on this project.
What I learned, however, is that when we heal, we actually feel everything from the past even more deeply.
We can’t process traumatic events as they happen.
One of the definitions of trauma is: an event or experience so terrible that our systems become overwhelmed in the moment.
Our brains and bodies lovingly take control of our operating system and we disassociate from what is happening in the moment, so that we can survive it.
We leave our bodies. We go numb. We flee. We freeze. We FORGET.
So as I was attempting to dive into the dark corners of my past memories, feelings, and thoughts…
…I found that I was able to more accurately and profoundly experience what was happening in my body while in those traumatic moments.
And it was just all way too much.
I realized that I needed additional support to treat my PTSD, and not just so I could write my memoir.
The truth is, I still have trouble trusting Jeff sometimes, even though I have vetted him ten ways to Sunday. Even though in my heart of hearts, I know he’s good all the way down to his core.
The truth is, I have trouble trusting all good things.
And I am so damn sick of it.
I knew I needed to take bold action. And that’s exactly what I did.
Stay tuned for next week’s LoveLetter when I’ll talk about the controversial and experimental treatment I chose to undergo, and why I surprised even myself by making the choice I did.
“There is no timestamp on trauma. There isn’t a formula that you can insert yourself into to get from horror to healed. Be patient. Take up space. Let your journey be the balm.” ~ Dawn Serra
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