THE RESULTS ARE IN:
You are a Comeback Queen
And you’re ready for your big sexy comeback!
You’ve navigated the stormy waters of Trauma Triggers and a dysregulated nervous system…you’ve tackled the hard work of reclaiming and rediscovering you… – now get your sexy back!!
Rest assured, you will rise above like a Phoenix from the ashes, beloved.
Get ready to reclaim your sexy, beautiful life!
? Check the video below to get a quick overview of your results ?
There’s a saying that by the time you ask a question, you already know the answer.
You’re here because you know something doesn’t feel right.
You’ve lived with the debilitating symptoms of trauma and have probably even learned to manage the constant fight or flight reactions to triggering events.
You’ve done the work to calm your racing thoughts and silence the voices that run on a constant loop in your head.
You’ve even worked through the complicated nuances of societal pressures to uncover what’s really important to you!
You’re a Trauma Taming Superstar!
But there comes a time in any betrayal story when the healing is done.
When you’ve worked through the trauma triggers, challenged the societal pressures, and made the decision to stay or go – and stuck with it.
Even if you’re giving your original relationship, the one that hurt you, a Do-over.
But something happened along the journey…
You realized you want MORE!
The relationship that hurt you, the society that formed you, and the fear that held you back all did one thing — they severely lowered the bar on your expectations.
Chances are good that as a woman, you’ve always been told to play it small. To not ask for too much, to not dream too big, to not be so loudly, beautifully, joyfully alive. #DontRockTheBoatDarling
And it’s fucking awful.
Because you were told that if you weren’t living in service to others, then you weren’t living a good life.
You were set up to not be greedy and not ask for what you want and need.
“It’s better to give than to receive…” right?
Well, I say eff that noise. I say “It’s better to give AND receive!”
Receive Big Love! Receive Great Sex! Receive everything your heart and soul desires!
Don’t you want a bigger life that lights you up from the inside out?
But in order to get that life – that big, loud, joyful life that fills your cup and makes other people wonder what your secret to happiness is – you first have to open yourself up to receive it.
Think about how cringey it can be to receive a compliment?
Would you rather hide in a corner than have someone draw attention to your awesomeness?
Do you usually brush it off with an excuse, or mumble an embarrassed “Thank you,” then run away, hoping no one ever mortifies you in public like that again?
Do you dread the Birthday Song and all it’s attention, and come out of your skin when you’re celebrated at all.
Feeling good can be really hard to tolerate, especially when you’ve grown up somewhere you don’t feel safe, or your loving relationships have been toxic.
But it’s time to rethink the way you shy away from your radiance.
Because when the worst thing that you can imagine happens to you, you transform. Your very soul is different.
Until the worst thing happens to you, the best things can’t happen to you.
Because the relationship that hurt you, can also be the catalyst to your healing.
And now you’ve been given the opportunity to look at your life, realize where you’re living small, question why, and then work to fix it.
Because you deserve more.
I’m not talking about more money or bigger diamonds.
I’m talking about more love, better relationships, feeling cherished AF, taking more time for yourself, indulging in simple pleasures, and filling your cup right up to the brim!
You don’t have to live in survival mode, barely thriving in service to others.
You don’t have to manage expectations, afraid to dream big.
And you do not need to lower the bar.
Because, sister, it’s time to raise the bar and reclaim your power!
This is your life! Not his. Not your mother’s. Not your sister’s. Yours!
Become the most authentic, solid, on fire, wholehearted version of yourself, not the one who got lost under trauma and betrayal.
The most important thing right now — is the relationship you have with yourself.
Because, even if it sounds totally counter-intuitive… this is the time to put you first.
To reframe, regroup, and reevaluate. To reclaim your radiance.
So if you’ve been feeling conflicted, stalled, and unsure what to do next — know this now:
There’s nothing wrong with you
You’re still the same strong, capable, worthy of love goddess you’ve always been
You just need to recommit to yourself, to your god-given right to shine with radiant light.
Because even though your Brain, Heart and Gut feel like they’re in a major disagreement, and you’re not sure you even know what you think anymore…
…the way you’re feeling and reacting right now is normal.
Your reality is true, valid, and worth honoring!
Manipulation uses your intellect against your intuition, and undermines your trust in yourself. But you can learn to love and trust yourself again, believe me (I’ve been through this and I’m here for you).
Betrayal isn’t always blatant. Trauma isn’t always obvious.
But healing is ALWAYS possible.
If you’re asking yourself…
“Why can’t I imagine a future that’s better than this?”
“Why do I always come last?”
“Will I ever love again?”
“Ugh, why am I being so darn hard on myself all the time?!”“
If you’re wondering where you went, or if you can ever find yourself again…
…You are in the perfect place to explore what’s really important to you, and what you truly want for your future. This is a safe space for you.
Pour yourself a cup of coffee, get cozy in your favorite chair, and get ready to reclaim your feminine power so you can step into your most beautiful and fulfilling life.
Because, Girl, you’ve been through Something.
And it’s SO important that you feel like you can trust yourself while you heal your betrayal trauma.
⇒ An answer to the question: What is Betrayal Trauma? And an overview of the 5 types of trauma that affect your life.
⇒ What your core values are and how to use them to weigh your decisions
⇒ Insight into how boundaries rebuild the foundation for safety and self-trust. Boundaries are about to become your bff, girlfriend!
⇒A deeper understanding of the Stages of Healing
⇒ A way to look at your trauma as a gift – a gateway into your soul that you wouldn’t be able to access without it.
⇒ How to move past fears that are holding you back from asking for MORE!
⇒ Plus you’ll also find solace, sisterhood, and support to continue the healing process — from someone who has been through betrayal trauma personally.
(Not gonna lie, you’re probably gonna wanna Bookmark this page. Or, better yet, print it out, cuz these resources are something you’re going to want to come back to again and again!)
No joke, this quiz result is so jam-packed with knowledge, resources, and mind expanding insights — based on years of research, my own experience with betrayal trauma, and the community of amazing women I connected with (all experts in their fields) on my own journey through recovering from betrayal trauma to building the beautiful life I have today!
Saying yes to this journey will draw you into the depths of yourSelf so that you can you emerge victorious — like the heroine in the greatest story ever told
(^^that’s your story, love ?).
You’re the firebird, and you will Rise.
As someone who has been through betrayal trauma myself and coached dozens of women to do the same — I have got your back.
A life that you love (more than you may even be able to imagine right now) is the gift on the other side of this, sister!
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”
― Mary Oliver
First things first:
You can ask for more!
Even though you’re having a hard time imagining your life getting better, and you doubt you’ll ever find joy in love again…
You check a lot of boxes right now, sister:
✅ You’re tired of playing it small and constantly putting others before yourself
✅ You want to trust yourself and know that you can trust others.
✅ You want to reclaim your body and your sexuality
✅ You’re can’t remember a time when you felt beautiful, alive,sexy and confidant?
✅ You’re ready to let go of beliefs that were holding you back
But despite your current state of turmoil, don’t worry! I’m going to show you how to move through your trauma to fall in love with your beautiful life again!
The Path to Recovery
May be a long and windy road, but join me on the journey past your preconceived ideas about relationships, through the Valley of the Traumatized Nervous System, and up the steep trail of Mount LoveThyself!Follow me as I take you on a tour of yourself.
Imagine, if you will, your Google Earth app. Open it up to find a zoomed out view of the planet.
Drop the pin and the view rapidly shrinks, from continent, to county, to state, to city, to neighborhood – until eventually you’re staring at your own backyard and can see your car in the driveway.
Now imagine you can zoom in even further. You can see yourself sitting in your house, surrounded by your things – only the systems that inform who you are and what’s important to you are all around you. Your religious views are on the shelf next to your favourite books. Social pressures are jammed into the Tv stand, and family values peek out at you from your photo albums. And your mother’s opinions are skipping on the record player.
Zoom in even more and we’re inside your body, where your nervous system reigns supreme – and at the beginning stages of Trauma, she looks a bit like the Queen of Hearts. Off with their heads!
But you’ve already tamed the Queen, and have even managed to cleanse your bookshelves of unhelpful outside opinions. Now it’s time to expand your vision outside the walls of your home to the world outside, and envision the sexy, beautiful comeback you’ve been working so hard to finally make a reality!
Stages of Trauma Recovery
1
Awakening Warrior
This is where you tell your nervous system to simmer the hell down, now! So you can properly process the pain points as they percolate when you’re under pressure.
Boundaries, grounding exercises, and self-soothing are your friends now, so get cozy and prepare to dive in!
2
Rising Beauty
Here’s where you can begin embodied storytelling, to take back control of your life and learn to love yourself with wholehearted abandon!
Say goodbye forever to your relationships as it was, and look forward with excitement as you redefine what it means to live, laugh, and eventually love again.
3
Comeback Queen
Congratulations! You’ve made it this far!
?YOU ARE HERE!?
This is when you say Holy F, Yes! I am healed, I am whole, and I am ready to reclaim my power and sexuality as a strong woman with a beautiful story waiting to unfold!
Because a woman who truly knows herself and understands what she’s capable of is an unstoppable, powerful, force of grace and beauty!
?YOU ARE HERE!?
Based on your responses, it’s time for you to build your support network and envision a better future.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t look back and see if there are any steps or exercises you missed on your way to taming your trauma.
Check out the results for the other Stages of Recovering from Betrayal Trauma.
Let’s set the story straight:
What is Betrayal Trauma?
The symptoms of PTSD and complex trauma are long and depressing, but they can be summed up beautifully in one word – contraction.
When a person or institution you relied upon for safety and security betrays you, that creates a type of trauma.
In the case of relational trauma, when the person who’s been your person has been lying, gaslighting, and emotionally abusing you — all of your relationships become impacted.
And that trauma gets stored in your body.
It can look like:
- hypervigilance
- over-the-top reactions
- emotional breakdowns when you least expect them
Because with trauma comes a feeling of no control.
Your body hijacks your nervous system when you least expect it, and you’re left feeling like your safety harness has come undone on a rollercoaster.
Your gut tightens. Your throat closes. Your fists clench. Even your poor little butthole probably puckers up like a raisin left out in the sun. And everything else gets in on the party. Your lungs push out the air you suddenly desperately need, and it’s a struggle to take more in. Your sweat glands start working overtime to push out your stress. And your brain reacts like it’s been thrown into a pressure cooker.
All because somebody that you love and trust has violated your most sacred boundaries, and left you holding a mixed bag of emotions and trauma responses that nothing in life has prepared you for.
And it can get even more confusing if you’ve decided to stay and work through the betrayal, because even though your modern, liberal feminist beliefs told you you’d walk, immediately, if anyone ever hurt you like this — you’re still torn.
With all that confusion, you can’t help but wonder — will things ever get better?
Because somehow you feel like there’s no way you could have ended up here without seeing it coming.
That’s the weird little guilt sandwich that society feeds us.
How could you have been so foolish?
Like you were somehow responsible, even in some small way.
That’s some messed up mental fuckery, my friend!
Because the people with the power to rock you like this can only do it because they mean so much to you – and why would you want to mistrust them?
At the risk of sounding like a comic book writer…
Let's Get "Multidimensional”
The Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model 0r MPTM developed by the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists or APSATS (it's a mouthful, I know), clearly outlines 5 different types of trauma unique to people who have been betrayed in a cherished relationship.The 5 Sneaky Types of Betrayal Trauma
…and how they can really eff with your relationships
The umbrella of Trauma covers a very nuanced set of trickle-down issues that can be insidious in your everyday life.
The first stage of healing is awareness, so let’s give you some insight to help you recognize these tricky trauma types when they trip you up.
1
Relational Trauma
When the person that you love, trust, and rely on more than anyone else reveals that they were lying and cheating throughout your relationship, it seriously impacts all of your relationships.
For instance, it’s normal for your kids to not tell you everything (and even occasionally feed you a white lie.)
But even casual dishonesty can trigger your greater trauma when deceit was the root cause.
When you uncover that deception, you can be triggered, thrown into a nervous system overload, and end up a yelling, over-reactive mama-mess.
And guess what? You damage your relationship with your kids, who deserve better than that.
What To Do – Regulate your own reactions and remember that not every relationship is built on lies and manipulation.
Recognize your nervous system response and practice grounding exercises until you’re back to normal levels and feel safe again, then have an open conversation with your loved one about how they violated your boundaries and hurt you.
Check out my Meditation Garden for mantras and meditations to help when you’re triggered and don’t want to alienate a loved one.
2
Sexual Trauma
The sexual repercussions of being betrayed can be polarizing.
Some people become almost phobic about it, avoiding sex and personal touch, and can be triggered by the connection and vulnerability that comes with physical intimacy.
Others become hypersexual, hunting through Tinder and Bumble, trying to regain confidence and work through the negative energy stored in their bodies with some good old fashioned horizontal cardio.
It’s completely normal for you to develop self-confidence issues as you compare yourself to women in porn – or the woman they cheated with – and find imagined inadequacies to layer over the self-doubt that came fast on the heels of the initial betrayal.
You can even be caught completely off guard, trying to enjoy some sexy time with someone new, or rekindle the spark with your husband, and in the middle of the act freak out without warning.
What To Do – If you don’t feel safe then Stop! Stop the sex. Stop the intimacy. And have clear communication with your partner about what you’re feeling, and what you need to feel safe and comfortable.
How you move through it is to learn to trust yourself again, and to set sexual boundaries with your partner that allow your body and your nervous system to feel honored in the moment.
So listen to your gut.
Honor your body.
Set your boundaries.
And give yourself so much grace as you work through your responses.
You WILL trust yourself again.
You’ve got this.
Check out my article Normalizing Sexual Responses to Relational Trauma to help you understand how to navigate your feelings around sex after betrayal.
3
Existential Trauma
You can get stuck in a cycle of cognitive dissonance when you find out what you believed to be true about your partner is, in fact, a lie.
Suddenly, you might start distrusting everything that you thought you knew, and get thrown into a conflict with yourself that you never expected.
When you have to ask yourself the tough question of ‘Should I stay or should I go?’ and you find yourself answering differently than your younger, more naive self would have.
When “Girl, leave his lying ass” meets “But I love him!” you have to take a hard look at your values, and resolve the conflict you find within.
Do you love your man more than you love your feminist ideology?
Do you believe that working through it honors your values more than walking away?
This changes your conflict from you vs. him, to you vs. your old beliefs and understanding of relationships, and how you might behave contrary to how you always thought you would.
It’s easy to say that you’ll never love someone who could betray you – until you find yourself in love with a cheater. #yikes
Only YOU can make this call, not your friends, your family, or the you who thought she knew exactly what she’d do before she was ever betrayed.
What To Do – Closely examine what’s truly important to you, and align your actions to those values. If nurturing your relationship is more important than letting down your college girl ideologies, then hunker down for the hard work.
If cutting loose to rediscover your beautiful life after betrayal on your own terms is your path, then put your best foot forward, solo.
Don’t worry if this all sounds like a lot to tackle. You’re part of my community now and I’m going to help you determine your core values, and how to build safety and boundaries around those values.
So you can reclaim your life and energy for the things your heart and soul truly desire.
4
Spiritual Trauma
Betrayal can rock your faith right to its core. And it doesn’t have to be religious faith. It can be the kind of faith you have in love, relationships, or even yourself.
Because when you’re a good person, who does the right things, and does unto others as you would have them do unto you, there’s a pretty clear expectation of what you’re supposed to get in return.
And good girls don’t get lied to, manipulated, and betrayed, right?
When betrayal rattles your faith, it can sometimes bring you closer to God, or spirituality, or your relationship with this beautiful earth, whichever form your celebration of existence takes.
But often it brings you to your knees and leaves you wondering why you have faith when the institutions you believe in didn’t hold up their end of the bargain.
It takes work to dismantle the nuances of your faith, examine the blind expectations you have, and rebuild your relationship with your beliefs to fit with your new reality.
What to do – Look for the areas where this dissonance causes discord, and work to reconcile your beliefs with reality. It’ll take some time and you’ll have to let go of a few assumptions, but you’ll be much clearer on how you see things when you’re done.
And this work doesn’t just apply to your relationship. Overall life can get better if you take the time to inventory the stories you tell yourself and the beliefs you’ve never questioned.
This is when you get to reevaluate who you are, what you believe, and what your place in the world is.
5
Treatment-Induced Trauma
When you’ve been betrayed in a relationship, and your partner enters a treatment program to address his issues (hallelujah!), you’re often taken along for the ride, cuz you need support, too!
But his treatment is completely different from what you need to heal and embrace your most beautiful life. His therapist will try to uncover the root causes of his betrayal, but you need to deal with the trauma his betrayal has caused you.
So when his support group starts labelling you with hurtful and confusing terms like ‘love addict’ and ‘codependent enabler,’ – even though your behaviors are actually triggered by the trauma of finding out your relationship was based on lies and betrayal – it can really eff you up.
Getting help from people who aren’t trauma informed and trained to deal with the fallout of betrayal, no matter how well-meaning, can result in completely unhelpful advice, like “just go home and have more sex with him, that should fix things!”
Your experience can be discounted, your trauma trivialized, and somehow you can feel like you’re at fault.
Unfortunately, you could also be experiencing this after speaking to your pastor or priest or other members of your religious community. They might try to tell you that it is somehow your fault. But you aren’t to blame!
What to do – Maybe ditch the pastor pep talks, hit pause on confiding in your friends, and seek out a trauma informed therapist to support you. Otherwise you risk compounding your trauma every time you try to heal your pain.
Until then, read on for helpful tools to help you regain control of a nervous system that has gone bat-shit crazy on you.
Reframe Time!
Love addiction + codependency are often the *wrong* labels
If you’re here because you’ve joined your partner’s treatment for the behavior that led to your betrayal, then you’ve probably found yourself on the receiving end of labels like ‘love addict’ or ‘codependent enabler.’
Like you were somehow responsible for the choices and actions of your partner. #ItWasNeverAboutYou
But in reality, the trauma of their betrayal is the direct cause of your behavior.
Yes, PTSD symptoms can masquerade as codependency and love addiction.
But they’re completely different things, requiring profoundly different treatment and support.
Not so fun fact:
Women who are traumatically betrayed in their romantic life will go back to the unhealthy relationship an average of 5 times before they do the work to get free.
The first goal of trauma recovery should and must be to improve your quality of life on a daily basis.
And now that you’ve done the work to tame your nervous system and build safety in your own skin, and have begun to consider that you’ve got some societal baggage to unpack, are you ready to look towards the future?
That’s right, now that you’re safe, and you’ve looked behind the curtain, it’s time to dream big! And open yourself for all the beautiful possibilities for a live filled with love, passion, and infinitely MORE!
I know that it can feel scary…
But don’t lose hope, because salvation is here with a map to pull you out of your chaotic betrayal trauma and help you heal, so you can reclaim your beautiful, sexy life and learn to live (and love) wholeheartedly again!
If you find it difficult to imagine a life full of love, fulfillment, and a joyful sex life…
If you have trouble letting yourself come first…
…don’t worry, beauty, I’ve got you!
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Those thoughts and stories don’t need to be the soundtrack of the rest of your life. (Speakin’ of soundtracks, keep reading for an epic playlist to help you dance away that tired old tape!)
Because you can overcome trauma and learn to trust yourself again!
And I’m going to give you the tools to help you rediscover your beautiful life after betrayal and trauma.
But first, let’s take a look at why it’s so hard to imagine more…
5 Fears that hold you back from the Life You Were Meant to Live
And how to reframe the way you think about them so you can plan your big, sexy comeback!1. You’re afraid to invest in yourself.
Time, money, energy.
All resources that we’re taught are finite.
But that’s a scarcity mindset and doesn’t serve you when you’re trying to figure out how to build the life of your dreams.
When applied to your relationship, a scarcity mindset will have you contracting, afraid to invest your love into something that could hurt you.
Especially when you know you’re famous for not showing up for yourself.
You won’t be able to expand, grow, and open yourself up to the possibility that you’ve got something special and worth pouring your love and energy into.
It comes down to faith, in yourself, in Jesus, Buddha, or the loving Goddess, and the willingness to believe that there is way more available to you than you can imagine right now.
2. You’re afraid you’ll never have or want sex again.
When you experience deep betrayal, your sex drive can get dysregulated, just like your nervous system.
Everyone’s favorite stress hormone Cortisol can flood your system and dry up your lady garden like the Great Drought of ‘92.
Sex can hurt, and the more you push yourself past your comfort zone, the more you undermine your trust in yourself and your ability to protect yourself from more harm. And that’s just not sexy.
Here’s a Somatic exercise to help you love feeling pleasure in your body again.
5 Sensual Pleasures Meditation
I want to start developing your Daily Pleasures Diet!
Meaning, our bodies need to experience pleasure on the regular.
To begin, gather one item that will feed each of your five senses with pleasure.
Sit somewhere cozy and safe
Focus on a pretty thing
Listen to pleasing sounds
Inhale a soothing scent
Caress a soft fabric
Taste a delicious treat
Give yourself a couple minutes with each sensation, and repeat whenever you feel the need for a sensory pleasure bath.
The more that you retrain your body to revel in pleasurable sensations, the closer you will be to accepting pleasure in other ways. *wink, wink*
3. You’re afraid to talk about sex
When you’ve been betrayed by a loved and trusted partner, even talking about sex can have you running from the room with your cheeks on fire.
So when it comes to using word like Pussy, you probably scream ‘Oh My Goddess, no fuckin’ way!’
The very words we use to describe our bodies and our sex have been subverted.
As women we’ve been simultaneously shamed for even THINKING about sex while being told that the only things that mattered about us were our physicality and sexuality. The fuck?
Taking back ownership of the essence of your sexuality, or Essensuality, begins with being able to talk about it.
But everyone moves at their own pace, so until you’re ready to talk about Queen P with pride, find a community of women who help you feel safe, so when you’re ready to talk about sex, you’ll know where to go.
4. You’re afraid you aren’t worthy
When someone you love betrays you, you’re left with the knowledge that you weren’t chosen.
And it fucks you up.
If you only knew what was wrong with you, why they didn’t choose you, you could fix it.
Because self-worth and self-love are so important when you’re reclaiming your life, especially if you’re gonna put yourself out there and date again.
A huge part of believing that you’re worthy, is believing there’s someone that’s worthy of you.
Can you see that connection? It all comes back to how we feel about ourselves.
5. You’re afraid you’ll fail at setting healthy boundaries
I like to always keep in mind the idea of ‘Needy vs Wanty.’
The difference between them is that you’re likely to be more willing to violate your boundaries for something you need, rather than something you just want.
By being super clear with your own boundaries with yourself, and the consequences you’ll enforce with yourself if you violate them, you’ll be better able to hold them with other people.
Of course, the best way to make sure you don’t compromise your values is to fulfill your own needs.
You won’t have to sacrifice for the things you want if you give them to yourself.
All these fears boil down to not trusting yourself.
Four Ways to Trust Yourself Again.
1. Set and keep healthy boundaries
As women, we aren’t taught to keep boundaries. We’re taught to make concessions.
But boundaries are there to keep you safe, and your most important boundaries are the ones we have for ourselves. Only you know what you need to feel safe.
What behaviors are you tolerating from others?
Are you making concessions that compromise your values?
Honoring our boundaries is how you teach yourself that you are trustworthy.
There’s Beauty in Boundaries
One of the best ways to confidently move forward and build the life of your dreams is to have clearly defined boundaries that you hold with yourself.
This is the fastest way that you can rebuild trust in yourself, and move forward as you start to date again, or rebuild your relationship with your partner.
So find your fierce courage and get ready to build your perimeters of peace and become a boundary badass!
Step 1
Take stock of the areas of your life and relationships where you feel the most vulnerable.
This can be around what you’re willing to give to a relationship, how you want to show up for yourself, or how high you want to set your bar for your next partner.
If it’s been an issue that has caused you pain in past relationships, it probably needs a boundary around it!
Make a list of Boundaries, and next to it list the consequences if a boundary is violated. Only list a consequence if you are prepared to enforce it.
Step 2
Once you have your list of boundaries, it’s time to get real with yourself.
Take the time to sit down with yourself and make yourself a promise that you will no longer accept anything less that your heart and soul desires. And enforce your boundaries accordingly. Make this agreement with yourself.
If there’s no agreement, then there is no boundary.
And if you can’t uphold the boundaries you keep with yourself, then you can’t trust yourself.
Step 3
Create a community to keep you accountable.
You need a choir of angels, a sisterhood of support, a team of hard-ass cheerleaders who won’t let you get away with any of your old shit.
Share your boundaries with them, and grant them the power to help you enforce them.
One woman I know gave her friend $100 with the stipulation that she couldn’t have it back unless she upheld her boundary. She lost a couple of Benjamins before she really took it seriously, but it worked!
Always remember:
The most important boundaries are the ones you keep with yourself.
Because…
The only consequences you can really enforce have to do with your behavior – not his.
Yup, that’s the bitter pill. The only real control you have in life and your relationship is the control you have over yourself — Your thoughts, your emotions, and your reactions.
2. Empower yourself to use your voice
Using your voice is how you set and maintain your boundaries.
The most basic step of voicing boundaries is to say no when you want to say no, and yes when you want to say yes!
You learn to trust yourself when you honor your own needs and desires rather than gaslighting yourself, or making concessions in your relationships, at work, with your kids, with yourself.
3. Your Intuition
Trust your intuition.
It’s made up of the Holy Trinity of Brain, Heart, and Guts. If any of these triplets is in disagreement, you’ll feel it as discord in your resonance.
Listen to that harsh note and take heed! Work to bring them into alignment, and you’ll be able to trust the feeling when your intuition rings out in harmony.
4. Your Body
Body is different from intuition, although they can work together.
Your body will instinctively respond to things your conscious mind completely misses.
Take notice in a situation whether your body is expanding, softening, and open to receiving – or contracting, pulling back, or stiffening.
When you pay attention to the silent (and sometimes not so silent, I’m looking at you nervous bloating) signals your body is throwing out, you’ll learn to trust yourself again.
How you move through it is to learn to trust yourself again, and to set boundaries with your partner that allow your body and your nervous system to feel honored in the moment.
So listen to your gut.
Honor your body.
Set your boundaries.
You WILL trust yourself again.
You’ve got this.
3 Fundamental Takeaways
The keys to changing your life, turning it around and making different choices.
1. Self-reflection.
2. Killer boundaries in all your relationships.
Boundaries aren’t sexy, but they’re how you learn to trust yourself AND someone else again. I got clear about who I wanted to be in a relationship, my values, and where I would not settle. Boundaries prevent settling. I needed to be loved, protected, and cherished before I would share my physical self, my sexual self, with anybody else.
3. An abundance mindset.
I know this is sort of cheesy — manifestation and law of attraction and all that stuff. You may be sick of talking about it. Still, we have to believe it’s possible to attract our heart’s desire. There are good men and women out there who are capable of loving and cherishing you.
You can have the life and love you’ve always wanted.
Maybe you’re curious…
Who’s the wild woman behind this truth-telling quiz?
I’m Jenni Rochelle, founder of Beauty after Betrayal.
With me in your corner, you’ll get resources you can reference any time and someone that can really hold space for you where other approaches fell flat (because the truth is — betrayal trauma is widely misunderstood)
Hey, Beauty!
I’m Jenni and I am the Queen of Intimacy. As a coach and mentor for smart, successful women who desire to create conscious intimate connections, I have helped hundreds of women reconnect with themselves, their bodies and their beloveds.
With a Masters in Spiritual Formation, I awaken women to their birthright of sexual freedom and, as a survivor of abuse, I am also a thought leader in the field of betrayal trauma. My podcast, Beauty After Betrayal, has helped thousands of women heal with hope and rise.
Inspired by my clients and informed by my own journey, my work is focused on mentoring women to get out of their heads and into their bodies, in order to shift their relationship to pleasure, sex and intimacy.
I am a certified life coach trained according to the Multi-Dimensional Partner Trauma Model (MPTM) developed by the Association of Partners of Sex Addiction Trauma Specialists (APSATS).
I am also a poet, a wife, a boy mom and a mystic who loves butter, coffee, bacon, traveling and pugs.
I can help, because I’m a Survivor of Betrayal Trauma
My first D-Day (aka Discovery Day) was in November 2012.
It was a doozy.
There were police involved.
I was at an all-time low, showing up to the police station with a sick baby and a vomit-covered Sock Monkey T-shirt.
But you know what? I didn’t even think about leaving! Not for a second.
I knew he was a sex addict, but I didn’t know what that meant.
I had no idea how, or who, to even ask for help – and I had already been in therapy for years!
Fast forward 3 years and another Discover Day of even more transgressions, and I had to face the facts about the man I was married to and our future together – or as it turns out, apart.
3 years of looking for support. 3 years to build the community I needed to support me as I walked through the desert of betrayal trauma and recovery.
I looked for anyone who could tell me whether to stay or go, and if my kids were safe if I stayed.
I so desperately wanted someone to tell me what to do.
It took a lot of work before I realized that I was the only one who could do the work and make that decision.
Luckily it only took me a little bit longer to realize that I didn’t have to do it alone.
The year before I filed for divorce, and the year after, were the darkest years of my life.
Those years were also the rich, fertile soil in which I planted the seeds for the most fulfilling love story of my life – the love I found for myself.
My Big, Beautiful, Sexy Life After Betrayal
My true transformation came in those dark moments when I wanted to go back (and tried to several times), but slowly learned how to do the deep, inner work that set me free from my past and set me up to become the woman I am today.
That was how I became the architect of my own comeback moment.
These days I openly embrace my right to great sex, big love and a healthy, beautiful life…even after betrayal.
I am outrageously, happily remarried to a man who could have written the book on how to love me – for the first time in my life.
More importantly, I have come to believe that I am worthy of such love and can actually receive it!
Your Own Big Sexy Comeback
What I most want you to know is that this is now your story. This is no longer about changing him or saving him. This is about saving you.
This is your comeback moment when you are standing at the crossroads, ready to make that big, life-changing decision.
This moment – is all about you.
I would be so honored to be a part of it.
Let’s get started,
Jenni
Here are some Resources curated specifically for you, to help on your journey to find Beauty After Betrayal
- The Big Fat Fear Episode Learn what’s holding you back from building the life and love your heart and soul desires
- Sexual Healing – How To Have Healthy Sex After Betrayal Learn about why you might be having trouble making this very important decision.
- Why More Matters Reach for what your heart and soul desires once you learn why you need to ask for more!
Prefer to read your words of wisdom?
Check out this helpful Love Letter blog post 4 Ways To Trust Yourself Again relevant to your stage in overcoming betrayal trauma and accepting the beautiful life that was meant for you.
Need a Playlist to Soothe your Nervous System?
Here’s a specially curated list of songs about love, betrayal, heartbreak, and moving on.
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- Jesus, etc. – Wilco
- Heart Shaped Box – Nirvana
- How To Fight Loneliness – Wilco
- You Oughta Know – Alanis Morisette
- You Didn’t Kiss Me – Marry Me Jane
- Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby – Cigarettes After Sex
- You Are My Face – Wilco
- Sandcastles – Beyonce
- Jar of Hearts – Christina Perry
- Take A Bow – Rihanna
- How Do You Sleep – LCD Soundsystem
- Smile – Lily Allen
- Survivor – Destiny’s Child
- Love Is Everywhere (Beware) – Wilco
- Moving On Up – M People
- Break My Stride – Chateau Pop
- I Can See Clearly Now – Johnny Nash
- Soul Sister – Mamuse
- Yemaya – Mirabai Ceiba
- I’m Every Woman – Chaka Khan
- The Chain – Kerala Dust
- Heart-Shaped Box – Amber Mark
- Goddess Code – Lizzy Jeff
What’s the next step on your journey to reclaim your beautiful life after betrayal?
Now that you’re a member of my community, you can look forward to learning more about the next stages of your transformative journey, as well as all the support you need to move past betrayal trauma and make your big sexy comeback!
It isn’t going to be easy, but it’s Ok! You can do hard things!
Keep your heart open and your eye on your inbox, where I’ll be sending you one section from…
The Big Sexy Playbook:
Your Guide to Great Sex, Big Love and a Healthy, Beautiful Life!
The Big Sexy Playbook is the companion to Your Big Sexy Comeback… a 12-week course designed to empower all women to shed negative beliefs about sex, pleasure and desire in order to transcend and transform into a a royal Comeback Queen!
Dating after betrayal can be a real bitch, but there’s no reason to be single in ten years because your ex cheated. This guide will help you reclaim your sexy and get your groove thang back!
Because darling, you’re the cake! He’s just the icing.
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