THE RESULTS ARE IN:
You are the Rising Beauty
So, yes, you’re rising above betrayal trauma…!
But you’ve already navigated the stormy waters of Trauma Triggers and a dysregulated nervous system – now you’re ready to sort out your life and move on!
Rest assured, beauty, you will rise above like a Phoenix from the ashes.
Get ready to reclaim your sexy, beautiful life!
? Check the video below to get a quick overview of your results ?
There’s a saying that by the time you ask a question, you already know the answer.
You’re here because you know something doesn’t feel right.
You’ve lived with the debilitating symptoms of trauma and have probably even learned to manage the constant fight or flight reactions to triggering events. Look at you go!
You’ve done the work to calm your racing thoughts and silence the voices that run on a constant loop in your head. Three cheers for some inner peace, at last!
You’ve even learned how to ground your body and rest your nervous system when you’re thrown into a hypervigilant panic attack!
You’re a Trauma Taming Superstar!
But even saying all that, you know you deserve more, you just need to figure out what that ‘more’ looks like.
Because life never prepared you for the decisions you need to make now, about how you continue.
Do you stay and work on the relationship? Or do you leave, and face the unknown without your person?
And this decision just gets harder when you realize that you’re hugely conflicted.
Because when you do the work to balance the trauma of your betrayal, you uncover a few things you weren’t really expecting.
Like the beliefs that you always held that aren’t really serving you anymore.
And the sneaky triggers that you didn’t realize were already programmed into you by life, society, family, and even your church group.
Because some churches still tell you divorce is an abomination.
And your Aunt Sharon told you to stand by your man.
But the Feminist Theory courses you might have taken in college told you to love yourself, stand up for what’s right, and kick those lying, cheating jerks to the curb!
So even though you thought you knew what you’d do in this situation, what you know now is that there’s absolutely no way to be certain how you’d react, until you’re standing amongst the ruins of your love and trust – and you suddenly have no clue what to do.
Until you feel the weight of these repercussions, it’s impossible to know.
And this is all a completely normal part of the process of trying to move on after betrayal.
Add in the fact that as a woman in today’s world, chances are pretty good you’ve been told a time or two that your feelings need to take second place to everyone else’s.
And it can feel impossible to reconcile all of these mixed messages into a clear gameplan to move past the trauma in your relationship.
The kicker though — is the relationship you have with yourself.
Because, even if it sounds totally counter-intuitive right now… this is the time to put you first.
To remember, reconcile, and reclaim your radiance.
So if you’ve been feeling conflicted, stalled, and unsure what to do next — know this now:
There’s nothing wrong with you
You’re still the same strong, capable, worthy of love goddess you’ve always been.
You just have to figure out where your conflict lies.
Because even though your Brain, Heart and Gut feel like they’re in a major disagreement, and you’re not sure you even know what you think anymore…
…the way you’re feeling and reacting right now is normal.
Your reality is true, valid, and worth honoring!
Manipulation uses your intellect against your intuition, and undermines your trust in yourself. But you can learn to love and trust yourself again, believe me (I’ve been through this and I’m here for you).
Betrayal isn’t always blatant. Trauma isn’t always obvious.
But healing is ALWAYS possible.
If you’re asking yourself…
“Why can’t I make a clear decision for my future?”
“Why do I keep doubting myself?”
“Will I ever feel like I can trust myself again?”
“Ugh, why am I being so darn hard on myself all the time?!”
If you’re wondering where you went, or if you can ever find yourself again…
…You are in the perfect place to explore what’s really important to you, and what you want in your future. This is a safe space for you.
Pour yourself a cup of tea, get cozy in your favorite chair, and get ready to reclaim your feminine power so you can step into your most beautiful and fulfilling life.
Because, Girl, you’ve been through Something.
And it’s SO important that you feel like you can trust yourself while you heal your betrayal trauma.
⇒ An answer to the question: What is Betrayal Trauma? And an overview of the 5 types of trauma that affect your life.
⇒ What your core values are and how to use them to weigh your decisions
⇒ Insight into how boundaries rebuild the foundation for safety. Boundaries are about to become your bff, girlfriend!
⇒A deeper understanding of the Stages of Healing
⇒ A way to look at your trauma as a gift – a gateway into your soul that you wouldn’t be able to access without it.
⇒ Plus you’ll also find solace, sisterhood, and support to start the healing process — from someone who has been through betrayal trauma personally.
(Not gonna lie, you’re probably gonna wanna Bookmark this page. Or, better yet, print it out, because these resources are something you’re going to want to come back to again and again!)f women to do the same — I have got your back.
No joke, this quiz result is so jam-packed with knowledge, resources, and mind expanding insights — based on years of research, my own experience with betrayal trauma, and the community of amazing women I connected with (all experts in their fields) on my own journey through recovering from betrayal trauma to building the beautiful life I have today!
Saying yes to this journey will draw you into the depths of yourself so that you can emerge victorious — like the heroine in the greatest story ever told.
(^^that’s your story, love ?).
You’re the firebird, and you will soon Rise.
As someone who has been through betrayal trauma myself and coached dozens of women to do the same — I have got your back.
A life that you love (more than you may even be able to imagine right now) is the gift on the other side of this, sister!
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”
― Mary Oliver
First things first:
You can trust yourself
Even though you’re having a hard time making difficult decisions, and you doubt every move you make…
You check a lot of boxes right now, sister:
✅ You feel judgement no matter if you decide to stay or go.
✅ You wonder how you could have possibly missed all the red flags.
✅ You’re worried that your picker is broken, and you’ll never recognize a good man, even if he walks up and sweeps you off your feet.
✅ Your trust is fractured, your life turned upside down, and your belief in yourself is seriously damaged.
✅ You’re having trouble defining and enforcing your boundaries.
But despite your current state of turmoil, don’t worry! I’m going to show you how to move through your trauma to fall in love with your beautiful life again!
The Path to RecoveryMay be a long and windy road, but join me on the journey past your preconceived ideas about relationships, through the Valley of the Traumatized Nervous System, and up the steep trail of Mount LoveThyself!
Follow me as I take you on a tour of yourself.
Imagine, if you will, your Google Earth app. Open it up to find a zoomed out view of the planet.
Drop the pin and the view rapidly shrinks, from continent, to county, to state, to city, to neighborhood – until eventually you’re staring at your own backyard and can see your car in the driveway.
Now imagine you can zoom in even further.
You see yourself sitting in your home, surrounded by your patterns – the systems that inform who you are and what’s important to you.
Your religious views are on the shelf next to your favorite books.
Social pressures are jammed into the TV stand.
Your family values peek out at you from your photo albums.
And your mother’s opinions keep skipping on the record player.
Zoom in even more and we’re inside your body, where your nervous system reigns supreme – and she’s having a Queen of Hearts moment! Off with their heads!
But you’ve already tamed the Queen and triumphed over the chaos that trauma has thrown your body into.
Now it’s time to check out the contents of your bookshelves. Because before you can know what you want for your future, you first have to unpack the values and beliefs you hold and take a good look at where they came from.
Stages of Trauma Recovery
This is where you tell your nervous system to simmer the hell down, now! So you can properly process the pain points as they percolate when you’re under pressure.
Boundaries, grounding exercises, and self-soothing are your friends now, so get cozy and prepare to dive in!
?YOU ARE HERE!?
Here’s where you can begin embodied storytelling, to take back control of your life and learn to love yourself with wholehearted abandon!
Say goodbye forever to your relationships as it was, and look forward with excitement as you redefine what it means to live, laugh, and eventually love again.
?YOU ARE HERE!?
This is when you say Holy F, Yes! I am healed, I am whole, and I am ready to reclaim my power and sexuality as a strong woman with a beautiful story waiting to unfold!
Because a woman who truly knows herself and understands what she’s capable of is an unstoppable, powerful, force of grace and beauty!
Based on your responses, you need to define your boundaries and rebuild your trust in yourself.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t peek ahead to see what’s in store for you once you finally feel safe in your own skin.
Let’s set the story straight:
What is Betrayal Trauma?
The symptoms of PTSD and complex trauma are long and depressing, but they can be summed up beautifully in one word – contraction.
When a person or institution you relied upon for safety and security betrays you, that creates a type of trauma.
In the case of relational trauma, when the person who’s been your person has been lying, gaslighting, and emotionally abusing you — all of your relationships become impacted.
And that trauma gets stored in your body.
It can look like:
- over-the-top reactions
- emotional breakdowns when you least expect them
Because with trauma comes a feeling of no control.
Your body hijacks your nervous system when you least expect it, and you’re left feeling like your safety harness has come undone on a rollercoaster.
Your gut tightens. Your throat closes. Your fists clench. Even your poor little butthole probably puckers up like a raisin left out in the sun. And everything else gets in on the party. Your lungs push out the air you suddenly desperately need, and it’s a struggle to take more in. Your sweat glands start working overtime to push out your stress. And your brain reacts like it’s been thrown into a pressure cooker.
All because somebody that you love and trust has violated your most sacred boundaries, and left you holding a mixed bag of emotions and trauma responses that nothing in life has prepared you for.
And it can get even more confusing if you’ve decided to stay and work through the betrayal, because even though your modern, liberal feminist beliefs told you you’d walk, immediately, if anyone ever hurt you like this — you’re still torn.
With all that confusion, you can’t help but wonder — will things ever get better?
Because somehow you feel like there’s no way you could have ended up here without seeing it coming.
That’s the weird little guilt sandwich that society feeds us.
How could you have been so foolish?
Like you were somehow responsible, even in some small way.
That’s some messed up mental fuckery, my friend!
Because the people with the power to rock you like this can only do it because they mean so much to you – and why would you want to mistrust them?
At the risk of sounding like a comic book writer…
Let's Get "Multidimensional”The Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model 0r MPTM developed by the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists or APSATS (it's a mouthful, I know), clearly outlines 5 different types of trauma unique to people who have been betrayed in a cherished relationship.
The 5 Sneaky Types of Betrayal Trauma
…and how they can really eff with your relationships
The umbrella of Trauma covers a very nuanced set of trickle-down issues that can be insidious in your everyday life.
The first stage of healing is awareness, so let’s give you some insight to help you recognize these tricky trauma types when they trip you up.
When the person that you love, trust, and rely on more than anyone else reveals that they were lying and cheating throughout your relationship, it seriously impacts all of your relationships.
For instance, it’s normal for your kids to not tell you everything (and even occasionally feed you a white lie.)
But even casual dishonesty can trigger your greater trauma when deceit was the root cause.
When you uncover that deception, you can be triggered, thrown into a nervous system overload, and end up a yelling, over-reactive mama-mess.
And guess what? You damage your relationship with your kids, who deserve better than that.
What To Do – Regulate your own reactions and remember that not every relationship is built on lies and manipulation.
Recognize your nervous system response and practice grounding exercises until you’re back to normal levels and feel safe again, then have an open conversation with your loved one about how they violated your boundaries and hurt you.
Check out my Meditation Garden for mantras and meditations to help when you’re triggered and don’t want to alienate a loved one.
The sexual repercussions of being betrayed can be polarizing.
Some people become almost phobic about it, avoiding sex and personal touch, and can be triggered by the connection and vulnerability that comes with physical intimacy.
Others become hypersexual, hunting through Tinder and Bumble, trying to regain confidence and work through the negative energy stored in their bodies with some good old fashioned horizontal cardio.
It’s completely normal for you to develop self-confidence issues as you compare yourself to women in porn – or the woman they cheated with – and find imagined inadequacies to layer over the self-doubt that came fast on the heels of the initial betrayal.
You can even be caught completely off guard, trying to enjoy some sexy time with someone new, or rekindle the spark with your husband, and in the middle of the act freak out without warning.
What To Do – If you don’t feel safe then Stop! Stop the sex. Stop the intimacy. And have clear communication with your partner about what you’re feeling, and what you need to feel safe and comfortable.
How you move through it is to learn to trust yourself again, and to set sexual boundaries with your partner that allow your body and your nervous system to feel honored in the moment.
So listen to your gut.
Honor your body.
Set your boundaries.
And give yourself so much grace as you work through your responses.
You WILL trust yourself again.
You’ve got this.
Check out my article Normalizing Sexual Responses to Relational Trauma to help you understand how to navigate your feelings around sex after betrayal.
You can get stuck in a cycle of cognitive dissonance when you find out what you believed to be true about your partner is, in fact, a lie.
Suddenly, you might start distrusting everything that you thought you knew, and get thrown into a conflict with yourself that you never expected.
When you have to ask yourself the tough question of ‘Should I stay or should I go?’ and you find yourself answering differently than your younger, more naive self would have.
When “Girl, leave his lying ass” meets “But I love him!” you have to take a hard look at your values, and resolve the conflict you find within.
Do you love your man more than you love your feminist ideology?
Do you believe that working through it honors your values more than walking away?
This changes your conflict from you vs. him, to you vs. your old beliefs and understanding of relationships, and how you might behave contrary to how you always thought you would.
It’s easy to say that you’ll never love someone who could betray you – until you find yourself in love with a cheater. #yikes
Only YOU can make this call, not your friends, your family, or the you who thought she knew exactly what she’d do before she was ever betrayed.
What To Do – Closely examine what’s truly important to you, and align your actions to those values. If nurturing your relationship is more important than letting down your college girl ideologies, then hunker down for the hard work.
If cutting loose to rediscover your beautiful life after betrayal on your own terms is your path, then put your best foot forward, solo.
Don’t worry if this all sounds like a lot to tackle. You’re part of my community now and I’m going to help you determine your core values, and how to build safety and boundaries around those values.
So you can reclaim your life and energy for the things your heart and soul truly desire.
Betrayal can rock your faith right to its core. And it doesn’t have to be religious faith. It can be the kind of faith you have in love, relationships, or even yourself.
Because when you’re a good person, who does the right things, and does unto others as you would have them do unto you, there’s a pretty clear expectation of what you’re supposed to get in return.
And good girls don’t get lied to, manipulated, and betrayed, right?
When betrayal rattles your faith, it can sometimes bring you closer to God, or spirituality, or your relationship with this beautiful earth, whichever form your celebration of existence takes.
But often it brings you to your knees and leaves you wondering why you have faith when the institutions you believe in didn’t hold up their end of the bargain.
It takes work to dismantle the nuances of your faith, examine the blind expectations you have, and rebuild your relationship with your beliefs to fit with your new reality.
What to do – Look for the areas where this dissonance causes discord, and work to reconcile your beliefs with reality. It’ll take some time and you’ll have to let go of a few assumptions, but you’ll be much clearer on how you see things when you’re done.
And this work doesn’t just apply to your relationship. Overall life can get better if you take the time to inventory the stories you tell yourself and the beliefs you’ve never questioned.
This is when you get to reevaluate who you are, what you believe, and what your place in the world is.
Four Ways to Trust Yourself Again.
As women, we aren’t taught to keep boundaries. We’re taught to make concessions.
But boundaries are there to keep you safe, and your most important boundaries are the ones we have for ourselves. Only you know what you need to feel safe.
Honoring our boundaries is how you teach yourself that you are trustworthy.
2. Your Voice
Using your voice is how you set and maintain your boundaries.
The most basic step of voicing boundaries is to say no when you want to say no, and yes when you want to say yes!
3. Your Intuition
Trust your intuition.
It’s made up of the Holy Trinity of Brain, Heart, and Guts. If any of these triplets are in disagreement, you’ll feel it as discord in your resonance.
Listen to that harsh note and take heed! Work to bring them into alignment, and you’ll be able to trust the feeling when your intuition rings out in harmony.
4. Your Body
Body is different from intuition, although they can work together.
When you’re faced with a trigger, take notice of whether your body is expanding, softening, and open to receiving – or contracting, pulling back, or stiffening.
When you pay attention to the silent (and sometimes not so silent, I’m looking at you nervous bloating) signals your body is throwing out, you’ll learn to trust yourself again.
When you’ve been betrayed in a relationship, and your partner enters a treatment program to address his issues (hallelujah!), you’re often taken along for the ride, cuz you need support, too!
But his treatment is completely different from what you need to heal and embrace your most beautiful life. His therapist will try to uncover the root causes of his betrayal, but you need to deal with the trauma his betrayal has caused you.
So when his support group starts labelling you with hurtful and confusing terms like ‘love addict’ and ‘codependent enabler,’ – even though your behaviours are actually triggered by the trauma of finding out your relationship was based on lies and betrayal – it can really eff you up.
Getting help from people who aren’t trauma informed and trained to deal with the fallout of betrayal, no matter how well-meaning, can result in completely unhelpful advice, like “just go home and have more sex with him, that should fix things!”
Your experience can be discounted, your trauma trivialized, and somehow you can feel like you’re at fault.
Unfortunately, you could also be experiencing this after speaking to your pastor or priest or other members of your religious community. They might try to tell you that it is somehow your fault. But you aren’t to blame!
What to do – Maybe ditch the pastor pep talks, hit pause on confiding in your friends, and seek out a trauma informed therapist to support you. Otherwise you risk compounding your trauma every time you try to heal your pain.
Until then, read on for helpful tools to help you regain control of a nervous system that has gone bat-shit crazy on you.
Love addiction + codependency are often the *wrong* labels
If you’re here because you’ve joined your partner’s treatment for the behavior that led to your betrayal, then you’ve probably found yourself on the receiving end of labels like ‘love addict’ or ‘codependent enabler.’
Like you were somehow responsible for the choices and actions of your partner. #ItWasNeverAboutYou
But in reality, the trauma of their betrayal is the direct cause of your behavior.
Yes, PTSD symptoms can masquerade as codependency and love addiction.
But they’re completely different things, requiring profoundly different treatment and support.
Not so fun fact:
Women who are traumatically betrayed in their romantic life will go back to the unhealthy relationship an average of 5 times before they do the work to get free.
The first goal of trauma recovery should and must be to improve your quality of life on a daily basis. And I’d say you’ve nailed it, sister!
And now that you’ve done the work to tame your nervous system and build safety in your own skin, you can start to take stock of the outside factors in your life that have a large bearing on the Big Question — To stay, or to go?
That’s right, now that you’re safe, it’s time to peek your head out from under the covers and take a close look at the monsters that live under the bed.
The ones that were born inside you, nurtured by your family of origin, and shaped by the society in which you live.
They don’t care if one of your feet comes untucked to hang over the edge of the bed in the middle of the night because they’ve already got a direct line into your inner monologue.
But don’t lose hope, because salvation is here with a map to help you assess your values and build a future around them, so you can reclaim your beautiful, sexy life and learn to live (and love) wholeheartedly again!
If you find it difficult to make a healthy decision for your safety, happiness, and overall wellbeing…
If you have an internal dialogue that sounds an awful lot like your mother’s voice…
…don’t worry, I have got you, beauty!
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Those thoughts and stories don’t need to be the soundtrack of the rest of your life. (Speakin’ of soundtracks, keep reading for an epic playlist to help you dance away that tired old tape!)
Because you can overcome your betrayal trauma!
And I’m going to give you the tools to help you rediscover your beautiful life after betrayal and trauma.
But first, let’s take a look at why you feel such conflict…
5 Reasons Why the Decision is So HardAnd how to reframe the way you think about them so you can balance your decision, and feel connected to yourself again.
This is all a very normal part of the process of overcoming trauma.
When you found out about the betrayal in your relationship, you probably felt like the world was ripped from under your feet. And you suddenly didn’t know what your future was going to look like.
Because you found yourself at a crossroads where action needed to happen. You couldn’t ignore what had happened, and it changed everything.
And suddenly you found yourself with The Clash playing on repeat in your head.
“Should I stay or should I go now?”
So why is it so hard to answer that question?
(If I go there could be trouble, An’ if I stay it will be double.)
The answer, quite simply, is you don’t trust yourself. And the reasons for that are more complicated than you might think.
1. Social + Religious + Existential Crisis = Huge internal conflict.
We talked about the existential trauma that can happen in a betrayal, but let’s talk about how it hinders your decision making now – and why you’ve been given a gift that looks like a heartbreak.
It’s easy to say that you’ll never love a cheater. It’s much harder to look at the cheater you fell in love with and tell him with absolute certainty that you need to leave him.
When half the people you know will judge you for staying, and the other half will vilify you for leaving, it can be hard to know what’s really right for you.
And if staying means that you don’t get to be the strong, empowered, liberated woman you always thought you were, then what does it mean when you find that you want to stay?
Do you still get to be fearless?
I talked to my pastor about it when I was trying to make this decision, and he said “Christ was well documented as being against the suffering of women.”
So if you feel like staying will cause you more suffering, then there’s no shame in leaving.
You owe it to yourself to take the path of least suffering, and most hope.
Don’t let other people’s expectations that you ‘save’ your relationship guilt you into staying where you aren’t safe.
But, if he’s game to do the work to change his ways, and stops gaslighting you, why wouldn’t you want to hold onto your love?
2. Values Conflict is Harshing Your Mellow
Your Core Values are the filter through which you make all your decisions.
When you’re not living true to your Core Values, you’re going to feel conflicted, and you’re going to doubt any decisions you make.
Most people never stop to consider what their Core Values are, and that’s part of the gift that you’ve received alongside your heartache.
Most of our values are instilled in us by our family, school, and society.
Many people would agree that Family, Loyalty and Marriage are pretty important values.
But when those come up against Honesty, Transparency, and Safety, it’s time to be very discerning about what’s more important.
(And don’t be surprised if you didn’t consider Safety to be a value, and not just something you get to take for granted. Betrayal can bring you clarity of all sorts.)
This core value conundrum can leave you paralyzed with indecision, and you’ll need to figure out with absolute certainty what’s more important to you.
3. The Intelligence Centers of The Body Are Out of Sync
You have 3 Intelligence Centers in your body.
Your head, your heart, and your gut.
When one or more of these centers are in conflict, your decision maker is going to be on the fritz. Wanna know what that conflict sounds like?
Brain: Girl! Have you not learned from the past? This boy is hazardous material!
Heart: But I love him! How could I ever leave the father of my kids?
Gut: If you don’t leave, I’m going to act like I did that time you ate an entire wheel of Brie. All. By. Yourself.
Now, gut and brain are usually of a like mind. It’s the heart that can be the wild card.
Try to reconcile the love that you had before betrayal with the love that you’re left with now by noticing the changes in your perception of your relationship.
There’s no way that it hasn’t changed and transformed, so don’t let heart’s rose colored glasses tint your perspective so much that you ignore your other intelligence centers.
4. Your Brain is a Social Organ
You are literally hardwired to be in connection with other people, so leaving your relationship can actually feel like a form of banishment.
As much as we like to think that we’re incredibly evolved apes, with free will, Keurigs, and democracy, we’re all still running around with a reptile brain calling the shots most of the time.
So when you’re banished from your relationship, your inner Dragon Warrior assumes that it’s about to die a horrible death of loneliness and despair.
And it keeps you in this heightened sense of panic that makes it impossible for you to envision a happy life past the circumstance you’re in.
Your brain and your nervous system end up in cahoots with each other, working against your reasoning skills, and making it impossible for you to hold boundaries.
You can only enforce a boundary if your nervous system can handle it.
And if your reptile brain is constantly scanning for threats that it can fight or flee from, or freeze and ignore until it goes away, you won’t be able to make the decisions you need to make, or enforce the boundaries those decisions require.
But don’t lose hope! You can do this! You just don’t have to do it alone.
Yes, you need a strong support group to lend you their strength and keep you on track, but you can silence your reptile brain and make the decision you need to make for yourself.
5. The Lean In Response Does You Dirty
There’s a tricky thing that happens when you experience trauma.
Your natural inclination is to lean into the person that you trust most. Even if that person is the one who hurt you in the first place.
This need for comfort from the person who harmed you is why you get labelled as codependent, and it’s why women often return to situations where they don’t feel safe.
Instead, try to build safety in the other relationships around you, and lean into them when you find yourself needing support.
You can’t be healed by the person who hurt you, but you can heal yourself by learning to trust yourself again.
A reminder when you’re trying to make the hard decision to Stay or Go:
Certainty is not your birthright.
You’ll eventually get to a point where you’ll ‘know’ what the right decision is.
But that doesn’t mean that you won’t still doubt yourself.
And that can be super confusing.
What if I tried harder?
Maybe I should give them another chance…
What if I never love again?
These are all perfectly normal doubts to have. But if you wake up every day and remember to commit to yourself, to your happiness, to your safety, then you’ll know that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.
Because you want more than the uncertainty that plagues you.
You deserve more.
There’s Beauty in Boundaries
One of the best ways to nurture safety is to create boundaries around things that cause you pain and to lose your sense of safety.
This is the fastest way that you can determine whether or not your relationship will make it through this tough time. Is your husband capable of helping you feel safe?
So find your fierce courage and get ready to build your perimeters of peace and become a boundary badass!
Take stock of the areas of your life and relationship where you feel the most vulnerable.
This can be around his computer use if he’s a porn addict, his after work extracurriculars if he’s cheated, or even who he hangs out with if certain friends lead him to temptation.
If it harms your peace and feeling of safety, it probably needs a boundary around it!
Make a list of Boundaries, and next to it list the consequences if a boundary is violated. Only list a consequence if you are prepared to enforce it.
Once you have your list of boundaries, it’s time to put in your requests.
Take the time to sit down with your partner and communicate what you need from them in regards to the boundaries. He can choose to agree to it or not.
If there’s no agreement, then there is no boundary.
If he’s serious about working on your relationship and helping you feel safe, then he’ll agree to the boundaries or work with you to find a compromise.
Always remember: You have the right to ask for what you need to feel safe.
Take the time to think through what you’ll do if he says no or violates the boundary. If your boundary is a non-negotiable dealbreaker, his refusal could be the signal that it’s time to say “Sayonara, sweetie!”
Here are a few examples of what a non-negotiable boundary looks like:
- He will not have sex outside of your marriage
- He will not view porn that is problematic or violates the law (ahem, No Kids!)
- He will not repeatedly lie to you (white lies about liking your meatloaf don’t count)
Note: even if you haven’t made the decision to stay with your partner and work on your relationship, setting boundaries will still help you as you do the hard work of splitting up.
Even being clear about times and modes of communication can help you feel safe and keep you from feeling triggered when he unthinkingly sends you a text late at night.
Communicate clearly what the consequences will be if he doesn’t agree to your request, or violates it later.
You can draw this up like a contract, if you like, so there’s no grey area later when it’s time to play Nurse Ratchet and enforce your rules.
The most important boundaries are the ones you keep with yourself.
The only consequences you can really enforce have to do with your behavior – not his.
Yup, that’s the bitter pill.
The only real control you have in life and your relationship is the control you have over yourself — your thoughts, your emotions, and your reactions.
So while you’re being a hard-ass and playing warden to his behaviors, make sure that you’re also honoring the boundaries you have to keep with yourself – like not giving into sex with him when you don’t feel comfortable and safe.
Maybe you’re curious…
Who’s the wild woman behind this truth-telling quiz?
I’m Jenni Rochelle, founder of Beauty after Betrayal.
With me in your corner, you’ll get resources you can reference any time and someone that can really hold space for you where other approaches fell flat (because the truth is — betrayal trauma is widely misunderstood)
I’m Jenni and I am the Queen of Intimacy. As a coach and mentor for smart, successful women who desire to create conscious intimate connections, I have helped hundreds of women reconnect with themselves, their bodies and their beloveds.
With a Masters in Spiritual Formation, I awaken women to their birthright of sexual freedom and, as a survivor of abuse, I am also a thought leader in the field of betrayal trauma. My podcast, Beauty After Betrayal, has helped thousands of women heal with hope and rise.
Inspired by my clients and informed by my own journey, my work is focused on mentoring women to get out of their heads and into their bodies, in order to shift their relationship to pleasure, sex and intimacy.
I am a certified life coach trained according to the Multi-Dimensional Partner Trauma Model (MPTM) developed by the Association of Partners of Sex Addiction Trauma Specialists (APSATS).
I am also a poet, a wife, a boy mom and a mystic who loves butter, coffee, bacon, traveling and pugs.
I can help, because I’m a Survivor of Betrayal Trauma
My first D-Day (aka Discovery Day) was in November 2012.
It was a doozy.
There were police involved.
I was at an all-time low, showing up to the police station with a sick baby and a vomit-covered Sock Monkey T-shirt.
But you know what? I didn’t even think about leaving! Not for a second.
I knew he was a sex addict, but I didn’t know what that meant.
I had no idea how, or who, to even ask for help – and I had already been in therapy for years!
Fast forward 3 years and another Discover Day of even more transgressions, and I had to face the facts about the man I was married to and our future together – or as it turns out, apart.
3 years of looking for support. 3 years to build the community I needed to support me as I walked through the desert of betrayal trauma and recovery.
I looked for anyone who could tell me whether to stay or go, and if my kids were safe if I stayed.
I so desperately wanted someone to tell me what to do.
It took a lot of work before I realized that I was the only one who could do the work and make that decision.
Luckily it only took me a little bit longer to realize that I didn’t have to do it alone.
The year before I filed for divorce, and the year after, were the darkest years of my life.
Those years were also the rich, fertile soil in which I planted the seeds for the most fulfilling love story of my life – the love I found for myself.
My Big, Beautiful, Sexy Life After Betrayal
My true transformation came in those dark moments when I wanted to go back (and tried to several times), but slowly learned how to do the deep, inner work that set me free from my past and set me up to become the woman I am today.
That was how I became the architect of my own comeback moment.
These days I openly embrace my right to great sex, big love and a healthy, beautiful life…even after betrayal.
I am outrageously, happily remarried to a man who could have written the book on how to love me – for the first time in my life.
More importantly, I have come to believe that I am worthy of such love and can actually receive it!
Your Own Big Sexy Comeback
What I most want you to know is that this is now your story. This is no longer about changing him or saving him. This is about saving you.
This is your comeback moment when you are standing at the crossroads, ready to make that big, life-changing decision.
This moment – is all about you.
I would be so honored to be a part of it.
Let’s get started,
Here are some Resources curated specifically for you, to help on your journey to find Beauty After Betrayal
- 4 Ways To Trust Yourself Again Regain your certainty in your decisions by learning about the things that form your intuition
- Should I Stay Or Should I Go Learn about why you might be having trouble making this very important decision.
- Why More Matters Reach for what your heart and soul desires once you learn why you need to ask for more!
Prefer to read your words of wisdom?
Check out this helpful Love Letter blog post Isn’t It Time To Be Codependent No More? To help you better understand some of the behaviors that feel a lot like codependence and love addiction.
Need a Playlist to Soothe your Nervous System?
Here’s a specially curated list of songs about love, betrayal, heartbreak, and moving on.
- Jesus, etc. – Wilco
- Heart Shaped Box – Nirvana
- How To Fight Loneliness – Wilco
- You Oughta Know – Alanis Morisette
- You Didn’t Kiss Me – Marry Me Jane
- Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby – Cigarettes After Sex
- You Are My Face – Wilco
- Sandcastles – Beyonce
- Jar of Hearts – Christina Perry
- Take A Bow – Rihanna
- How Do You Sleep – LCD Soundsystem
- Smile – Lily Allen
- Survivor – Destiny’s Child
- Love Is Everywhere (Beware) – Wilco
- Moving On Up – M People
- Break My Stride – Chateau Pop
- I Can See Clearly Now – Johnny Nash
- Soul Sister – Mamuse
- Yemaya – Mirabai Ceiba
- I’m Every Woman – Chaka Khan
- The Chain – Kerala Dust
- Heart-Shaped Box – Amber Mark
- Goddess Code – Lizzy Jeff
What’s the next step on your journey to reclaim your beautiful life after betrayal?
Now that you’re a member of my community, you can look forward to learning more about the next stages of your transformative journey, as well as all the support you need to move past betrayal trauma and make your big sexy comeback!
It isn’t going to be easy, but it’s Ok! You can do hard things!
Keep your heart open and your eye on your inbox, where I’ll be sending you one section from…
The Beauty After Betrayal Workbook:
The Sacred Journey toward Reclaiming and Rediscovering You
The Beauty After Betrayal Workbook is the companion to the my six-month, private coaching and mentorship program or the woman who is tired of over-functioning, over-giving and ready to navigating the sacred journey back to her heart and soul desires. Filled with worksheets and journal prompts , this is the guide you’ve been waiting for.